"But she's not YOURS"

...this, from an immediate member of my family. Nothing this person could have said could have stunned or hurt me more than when I heard this statement. This is an obstacle that, regardless of how peaceful and cooperative my stepfamily life is, I will encounter likely multiple times in my life. This was the first one, though, and coming from someone I know, love, and trust, it was a bit of a shocker.

 One of the big questions new stepmoms (and, I assume, stepdads) have when they enter their newly-blended family is about their precise role. They are not the biological parent, and if the other biological parent is a part of the picture (and even if they are less involved), I'm sure there is some confusion about what exactly they are expected to do, precisely. There's a give-and-take involved, here, I think. Some stepmoms will argue adamantly that either you should step (ha!) back and let the dad do all of the parenting (to avoid resentment, to save your sanity, to keep things peaceful), or that you have all the same rights and privileges of the biological parents and expect to be treated as such. My own view falls somewhere in between.

Stepping back and letting my partner do all the  parenting wouldn't work for me for a number of reasons. The lesser reason is that I wouldn't be comfortable not taking an active role in my house. I also believe that I bring my own unique perspectives and opinions to child-rearing, and though I've never had a biological child of my own, I think I have something to contribute (I have particular and specific views about, for example, reading the media critically and age-appropriate sex ed). Most importantly, though, I wouldn't be able to take a less involved route because I love this little girl. I won't say "as if she were my own," because in so many ways, she is mine. I respect that she already has two fully-involved and wonderful biological parents, and their relationship with her is unique (just as mine is unique), but if the adoring her and the feeling of I-would-do-anything-for-her isn't enough to convince the world that she's mine, the litany of things I do for her when she's here (we have equal custody) sounds like, well, a parent: I play with her, feed her, bathe her, discipline her, do her homework with her, comfort her after bad dreams or during sickness, listen to her, hug her, dance with her, parent her.

I am fully aware of the importance of her relationship with her mom; I'm not her mom, and she doesn't need me to be one. I support that relationship, and step back to let that one take precedence when I feel it's right (I attend parent-teacher interviews, but am quiet, letting my partner and my SD's mom take charge; I step in for mother-daughter events when her mom can't make it [though I know I'm welcome to attend with them]). These gentle juggling acts work for all of us. We each have our own special relationships with my SD, and though our roles are different (mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad), we are all parents.

 And that makes her mine.