So, I'm a part-time college professor, and I've hit the end-of-term madness that is grading, grading, grading and helping my students (themselves feeling the stress of end-of-term project mania) survive the time as best I can. That all equals late nights of grading, reading and replying to many, many emails, and general run-around-i-ness. Then to boot, I pack in a very busy weekend of activities for me, my partner, and my SD that involved visiting a dear friend a few hours away on Saturday and then having a (very, very relaxing tea-and-knitting filled) playdate with another friend on Sunday. I may have overscheduled. By Sunday night, my SD was clearly feeling the strain of TOO MUCH FUN (yes, there is such a thing, I've discovered, and yes, that did deserve the bolding, underlining, and italicizing all at once), was a bit hyperemotional at random, small things (as was I), I'm coming down with a cold, and that big stack of marking is still there!
I mentioned in an earlier post that parenting (and life, I guess) is about balance. With the end of term (and summertime unemployment) looming, I'm wondering how other parents--step or otherwise--balance work and life commitments. How do you get through the big stacks of work (whether literal or figurative), and how do you relax when it's all staring you in the face? All the wonderful time with friends that I spent this weekend, I was always aware that the work was lurking, waiting for me...
This post, I realize, isn't about stepparenting at all! I'll get back to that tomorrow; for now, though, venting about my big stacks of work made me feel a little better, and now I'm ready to dig back in ;)
Cheers!
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Friday, 1 April 2011
Transitions!
So my semester is almost up (I'm a part-time professor), and I'm starting to think happy summer thoughts that will involve fun activities including (but not limited to): hiking, camping, a visit to my home province to see my sister who's due to have her first baby (a boy! Whoo!), and lots and lots of beaching (is that a verb? It is now!) and reading. Maybe some dissertation writing too...maybe.
I've also got what is probably my last winter soup bubbling away on the stove. Soon my foody thoughts will shift towards salads and BBQs. Today was warm enough to not wear a coat for a short period of time, and early evening found me, my partner, my SD and her friend from next door hanging out in the backyard, playing on the tree swing, and me being a big scary chasing monster (who becomes much calmer with hugs, natch).
This seasonal transition got me to thinking about the transitions that stepfamilies make on (usually) a weekly or every-other-weekly basis: the back-and-forth of the child/stepchild from one parental home to the other. Our household transitions (week-on, week-off, with a day in the middle of switchover) tend to go smoothly, but there are logistics involved, mostly because we share clothes, so there's always a pickup of stuff before actually picking up my SD, or there's the gathering together of stuff before her mom and stepdad come to get her. I know that some families keep separate stuff, and though some things stay at our respective houses (toys in particular), the clothes thing for a growing nearly-7-year old girl is much more economical if everything is shared.
The handovers in our family are a quick visit. Generally, we don't spend a ton of time figuring out schedules or financial stuff--but my partner and his ex-wife have pretty regular communication throughout the week, so there's no need to. We try to disrupt each other's days as little as possible, by confirming the time in advance, and by not lingering overly long. It's just one of the many subtle ways that we respect each other's spaces and lives that are linked through my SD and a general recognition that we're all in this to raise the happiest and healthiest child we can, but still have our own lives to lead and things to do. It's an interesting way of building a non-traditional family: two households with their own loves, dreams, goals, challenges, and schedules that are linked by this little burst of energy bouncing back and forth between them, and a general sense that we're all working to support each other in this parenting adventure.
I wonder sometimes if it's hard for her, all of this switching around. Or if it will be harder for her when she's a teenager, and she has a larger social circle in one area of town compared to the other. For now, though, the kidlet takes it all in stride though and it's pretty much all she's ever known, and certainly all she remembers.
In honour of spring (and summer. Did I mention summer??), here's a picture from our first big family vacation two summers ago. This picture was taken in Gros Morne National Park. Gorgeous.
I've also got what is probably my last winter soup bubbling away on the stove. Soon my foody thoughts will shift towards salads and BBQs. Today was warm enough to not wear a coat for a short period of time, and early evening found me, my partner, my SD and her friend from next door hanging out in the backyard, playing on the tree swing, and me being a big scary chasing monster (who becomes much calmer with hugs, natch).
This seasonal transition got me to thinking about the transitions that stepfamilies make on (usually) a weekly or every-other-weekly basis: the back-and-forth of the child/stepchild from one parental home to the other. Our household transitions (week-on, week-off, with a day in the middle of switchover) tend to go smoothly, but there are logistics involved, mostly because we share clothes, so there's always a pickup of stuff before actually picking up my SD, or there's the gathering together of stuff before her mom and stepdad come to get her. I know that some families keep separate stuff, and though some things stay at our respective houses (toys in particular), the clothes thing for a growing nearly-7-year old girl is much more economical if everything is shared.
The handovers in our family are a quick visit. Generally, we don't spend a ton of time figuring out schedules or financial stuff--but my partner and his ex-wife have pretty regular communication throughout the week, so there's no need to. We try to disrupt each other's days as little as possible, by confirming the time in advance, and by not lingering overly long. It's just one of the many subtle ways that we respect each other's spaces and lives that are linked through my SD and a general recognition that we're all in this to raise the happiest and healthiest child we can, but still have our own lives to lead and things to do. It's an interesting way of building a non-traditional family: two households with their own loves, dreams, goals, challenges, and schedules that are linked by this little burst of energy bouncing back and forth between them, and a general sense that we're all working to support each other in this parenting adventure.
I wonder sometimes if it's hard for her, all of this switching around. Or if it will be harder for her when she's a teenager, and she has a larger social circle in one area of town compared to the other. For now, though, the kidlet takes it all in stride though and it's pretty much all she's ever known, and certainly all she remembers.
In honour of spring (and summer. Did I mention summer??), here's a picture from our first big family vacation two summers ago. This picture was taken in Gros Morne National Park. Gorgeous.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
"But she's not YOURS"
...this, from an immediate member of my family. Nothing this person could have said could have stunned or hurt me more than when I heard this statement. This is an obstacle that, regardless of how peaceful and cooperative my stepfamily life is, I will encounter likely multiple times in my life. This was the first one, though, and coming from someone I know, love, and trust, it was a bit of a shocker.
One of the big questions new stepmoms (and, I assume, stepdads) have when they enter their newly-blended family is about their precise role. They are not the biological parent, and if the other biological parent is a part of the picture (and even if they are less involved), I'm sure there is some confusion about what exactly they are expected to do, precisely. There's a give-and-take involved, here, I think. Some stepmoms will argue adamantly that either you should step (ha!) back and let the dad do all of the parenting (to avoid resentment, to save your sanity, to keep things peaceful), or that you have all the same rights and privileges of the biological parents and expect to be treated as such. My own view falls somewhere in between.
Stepping back and letting my partner do all the parenting wouldn't work for me for a number of reasons. The lesser reason is that I wouldn't be comfortable not taking an active role in my house. I also believe that I bring my own unique perspectives and opinions to child-rearing, and though I've never had a biological child of my own, I think I have something to contribute (I have particular and specific views about, for example, reading the media critically and age-appropriate sex ed). Most importantly, though, I wouldn't be able to take a less involved route because I love this little girl. I won't say "as if she were my own," because in so many ways, she is mine. I respect that she already has two fully-involved and wonderful biological parents, and their relationship with her is unique (just as mine is unique), but if the adoring her and the feeling of I-would-do-anything-for-her isn't enough to convince the world that she's mine, the litany of things I do for her when she's here (we have equal custody) sounds like, well, a parent: I play with her, feed her, bathe her, discipline her, do her homework with her, comfort her after bad dreams or during sickness, listen to her, hug her, dance with her, parent her.
I am fully aware of the importance of her relationship with her mom; I'm not her mom, and she doesn't need me to be one. I support that relationship, and step back to let that one take precedence when I feel it's right (I attend parent-teacher interviews, but am quiet, letting my partner and my SD's mom take charge; I step in for mother-daughter events when her mom can't make it [though I know I'm welcome to attend with them]). These gentle juggling acts work for all of us. We each have our own special relationships with my SD, and though our roles are different (mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad), we are all parents.
And that makes her mine.
One of the big questions new stepmoms (and, I assume, stepdads) have when they enter their newly-blended family is about their precise role. They are not the biological parent, and if the other biological parent is a part of the picture (and even if they are less involved), I'm sure there is some confusion about what exactly they are expected to do, precisely. There's a give-and-take involved, here, I think. Some stepmoms will argue adamantly that either you should step (ha!) back and let the dad do all of the parenting (to avoid resentment, to save your sanity, to keep things peaceful), or that you have all the same rights and privileges of the biological parents and expect to be treated as such. My own view falls somewhere in between.
Stepping back and letting my partner do all the parenting wouldn't work for me for a number of reasons. The lesser reason is that I wouldn't be comfortable not taking an active role in my house. I also believe that I bring my own unique perspectives and opinions to child-rearing, and though I've never had a biological child of my own, I think I have something to contribute (I have particular and specific views about, for example, reading the media critically and age-appropriate sex ed). Most importantly, though, I wouldn't be able to take a less involved route because I love this little girl. I won't say "as if she were my own," because in so many ways, she is mine. I respect that she already has two fully-involved and wonderful biological parents, and their relationship with her is unique (just as mine is unique), but if the adoring her and the feeling of I-would-do-anything-for-her isn't enough to convince the world that she's mine, the litany of things I do for her when she's here (we have equal custody) sounds like, well, a parent: I play with her, feed her, bathe her, discipline her, do her homework with her, comfort her after bad dreams or during sickness, listen to her, hug her, dance with her, parent her.
I am fully aware of the importance of her relationship with her mom; I'm not her mom, and she doesn't need me to be one. I support that relationship, and step back to let that one take precedence when I feel it's right (I attend parent-teacher interviews, but am quiet, letting my partner and my SD's mom take charge; I step in for mother-daughter events when her mom can't make it [though I know I'm welcome to attend with them]). These gentle juggling acts work for all of us. We each have our own special relationships with my SD, and though our roles are different (mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad), we are all parents.
And that makes her mine.
Monday, 28 March 2011
Why I Write...
So I've been trying to decide whether this blog should be a multi-purpose blog or one with a very narrow focus; as one friend and blogger of mine pointed out, it's not strictly necessary that a blog have a specific topic it explores consistently. That said, I'm not sure I want this to be an all-over-the-place type of blog, so while I'm sure I will bring in other hobbies or passions that I have throughout the course of writing, I think my primary focus will be on stepparenting. I know that there are tons of blogs out there--many of them very, very good--that deal with stepparenting (some of my favourites are http://www.amourfati.blogspot.com/ and stepinthetrenches.blogspot.com), and so there is a rich blogging history that I'm following by doing this.
But I think I bring something unique to the table. Well, maybe not unique unique, because I'm sure this situation exists beyond my own family unit, but it's certainly a less commonly discussed scenario in the stepparenting blog-world. In my own limited experience as a stepmom-blog reader, blogs are often a space for venting anonymously and for showcasing how difficult it can be to become a part of a blended or pre-existing family structure. And I think that it's great that the world gets to see how difficult it can be to walk into parenting when a child already has 2 (or more) parents. As I mentioned in my last post, my stepfamily world is generally harmonious. We all get along just fine, and though we may not all agree about every single parenting issue, those disputes are usually handled peacefully and calmly. I am so, so aware that I'm lucky, and that not every will-be stepmom walks into this kind of setup, but it's my lived experience, and I'm so grateful to my partner and to his ex-wife for bringing my stepdaughter into the world, and I'm honoured that I get to be a part of this parenting adventure. Beyond luck, though, I think we have characteristics and make decisions that lend themselves to peaceful and supportive co-parenting, and that's what I'd ultimately like to offer: a virtual picture of a stepfamily that works.
Out of curiosity, whether you're a stepmom or not, I'd love to hear from you. What is your vision of the roles and responsibilities of a stepmother? How does a stepmother parent a child, and what are the boundaries in terms of acceptable and unacceptable involvement from a stepmom? Leave your ideas in the comments section, and I'll incorporate them into a later post!
But I think I bring something unique to the table. Well, maybe not unique unique, because I'm sure this situation exists beyond my own family unit, but it's certainly a less commonly discussed scenario in the stepparenting blog-world. In my own limited experience as a stepmom-blog reader, blogs are often a space for venting anonymously and for showcasing how difficult it can be to become a part of a blended or pre-existing family structure. And I think that it's great that the world gets to see how difficult it can be to walk into parenting when a child already has 2 (or more) parents. As I mentioned in my last post, my stepfamily world is generally harmonious. We all get along just fine, and though we may not all agree about every single parenting issue, those disputes are usually handled peacefully and calmly. I am so, so aware that I'm lucky, and that not every will-be stepmom walks into this kind of setup, but it's my lived experience, and I'm so grateful to my partner and to his ex-wife for bringing my stepdaughter into the world, and I'm honoured that I get to be a part of this parenting adventure. Beyond luck, though, I think we have characteristics and make decisions that lend themselves to peaceful and supportive co-parenting, and that's what I'd ultimately like to offer: a virtual picture of a stepfamily that works.
Out of curiosity, whether you're a stepmom or not, I'd love to hear from you. What is your vision of the roles and responsibilities of a stepmother? How does a stepmother parent a child, and what are the boundaries in terms of acceptable and unacceptable involvement from a stepmom? Leave your ideas in the comments section, and I'll incorporate them into a later post!
Sunday, 27 March 2011
Zen
As I mentioned in my last post, I am a stepmom. I entered the world of the "blended family" a couple of years ago when I moved in with my partner and SD6. I had to negotiate the minute, daily questions of someone who is both a new parent (to someone who doesn't need diaper changes or midnight feedings, but who can argue with you) and as someone who is parent to a child who already has two biological parents and a stepparent. I was filled with what I assume are the common doubts: should I be involved in discipline? What constitutes a time-out worthy offense? Do I respond if my stepdaughter inadvertently says something hurtful? Do I attend parent-teacher meetings? Will my family accept this adorable girly-o as their own granddaughter/niece/cousin?
[the short answers that worked for me: yes; whatever I think does; probably not; yes; absolutely yes]
I was / am lucky. I have what many stepparents only dream of: a respectful and supportive relationship with my SD's other household. All four parents like, care for, and support each other. I even would go so far as to consider my SD's mom, stepsister, and stepdad as my extended family. I interact with them on an ongoing, consistent basis, and care that they are healthy and happy.
That doesn't mean it was all rainbows and lollipops. My own sense of self-doubt about my abilities as a parent, as I found my footing within this family structure, led me to occasional crying or frustration stints, wondering if parenting gets easier--something I think every new parent experiences. My SD is remarkable. She has a wonderful sense of humour, is energetic, happy, and loving. But I still had to adjust to having a number of people around, to having an untidy house (moreso than my usual untidy ways, that is, simply because there's more stuff), to having to plan my days with these people who are a relatively new part of my life, to having a 50/50 schedule with this wonderful girl that meant a lot of driving around, packing and unpacking, etc. etc. The gig gets easier, though. Two years in, and I feel comfortable in our routine, and I feel like (and have always been, in reality) a heard and respected part of my stepdaughter's parental unit of four.
There are still busy, stressful days. What helps? Knitting, and the wonderful friends who knit with me, and remind me that communities matter: my family community that I have built in a non-traditional but increasingly common way, and my community of friends. It's all about balance, and I still lose my balance sometimes, but it's easily regained with my family, friends, and some pretty, pretty fiber:
[the short answers that worked for me: yes; whatever I think does; probably not; yes; absolutely yes]
I was / am lucky. I have what many stepparents only dream of: a respectful and supportive relationship with my SD's other household. All four parents like, care for, and support each other. I even would go so far as to consider my SD's mom, stepsister, and stepdad as my extended family. I interact with them on an ongoing, consistent basis, and care that they are healthy and happy.
That doesn't mean it was all rainbows and lollipops. My own sense of self-doubt about my abilities as a parent, as I found my footing within this family structure, led me to occasional crying or frustration stints, wondering if parenting gets easier--something I think every new parent experiences. My SD is remarkable. She has a wonderful sense of humour, is energetic, happy, and loving. But I still had to adjust to having a number of people around, to having an untidy house (moreso than my usual untidy ways, that is, simply because there's more stuff), to having to plan my days with these people who are a relatively new part of my life, to having a 50/50 schedule with this wonderful girl that meant a lot of driving around, packing and unpacking, etc. etc. The gig gets easier, though. Two years in, and I feel comfortable in our routine, and I feel like (and have always been, in reality) a heard and respected part of my stepdaughter's parental unit of four.
There are still busy, stressful days. What helps? Knitting, and the wonderful friends who knit with me, and remind me that communities matter: my family community that I have built in a non-traditional but increasingly common way, and my community of friends. It's all about balance, and I still lose my balance sometimes, but it's easily regained with my family, friends, and some pretty, pretty fiber:
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Cast of Characters
The "evil stepmother" myth has been much discussed and derided in online stepmom circles. It should be fairly apparent by this point that it doesn't hold true at all. Speaking anecdotally, I know of no horrible, evil stepmothers. My own stepmom is a wonderful, wise, and caring woman. My stepdaughter's mother is also, herself, a stepmom. My mom is a stepmom, too. A very good friend of mine is a stepmom to her husband's 8-year old daughter. In these cases, they are all wonderful women and parents, to their biological children, and to their stepkids. Why does the myth persist, then? Myths are part of perceived wisdom and popular culture, based down from generation to generation. Is there anything in them that can stand true? Maybe; if we ignore that patently cruel and selfish nature of, say, Cinderella's stepmother, what else is at play? Maybe a sense of jealousy that the child came first? Possibly a fear that if she allows Cinderella to flourish with all her potential as a kind, caring, and talented (the singing!) woman, she and her own children will suffer. All I'm getting at, really, is that there is a reason these myths endure. Whether they should or not is entirely another question. I don't identify with those kinds of negative feelings, but maybe some stepmothers do. What do you think?
Life isn't a fairytale. Happiness is what you create in individual moments, instead of culminating in some a-ha moment of "oh, ok, NOW I'm happy, and that's where I'll stay!" I find happiness in the simple ways--in loving my family and friends, in being socially aware and compassionate towards people in the world, in knitting, in teaching my students both the assigned curriculum and issues of social justice. For my cast of characters, then, I refuse to rely on fairytale names. I'm not the evil stepmother, my stepdaughter is no Cinderella, and I don't need a prince to save me. I'm going with the basics, here:
Me--31, professor and stepmom.
Partner (P)--29, accountant and wonderful father
Stepdaughter (SD)--6, general joy
Mama (M)--SD's mother, a good woman and parent
Stepdad (SF)--SD's stepfather: again, good man, great parent to SD
These are the people I surround myself with, and life is generally great.
Life isn't a fairytale. Happiness is what you create in individual moments, instead of culminating in some a-ha moment of "oh, ok, NOW I'm happy, and that's where I'll stay!" I find happiness in the simple ways--in loving my family and friends, in being socially aware and compassionate towards people in the world, in knitting, in teaching my students both the assigned curriculum and issues of social justice. For my cast of characters, then, I refuse to rely on fairytale names. I'm not the evil stepmother, my stepdaughter is no Cinderella, and I don't need a prince to save me. I'm going with the basics, here:
Me--31, professor and stepmom.
Partner (P)--29, accountant and wonderful father
Stepdaughter (SD)--6, general joy
Mama (M)--SD's mother, a good woman and parent
Stepdad (SF)--SD's stepfather: again, good man, great parent to SD
These are the people I surround myself with, and life is generally great.
Monday, 28 February 2011
Rhyme and Reason...
"...the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between, and they took great pleasure in doing just that."
~Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
Growing up, The Phantom Tollbooth was one of my very favourite books from the very day I received it as a gift from the Easter Bunny. As a philosophy primer and entertaining exploration of the power of words for young children, it was a crucial book in the development of my love of words and ideas. As Milo and his friends seek to rescue princesses Rhyme and Reason from their prison, they learn that how we say things matter and influence how we feel about things. That's why I felt as though the above quotation is an apt opening for this blog. I'm not sure what this blog is meant to be about, exactly. Probably lots of things, including, but not limited to: teaching, social justice, stepparenting, reading, and knitting. Let's see what's in between, shall we? :)
~Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
Growing up, The Phantom Tollbooth was one of my very favourite books from the very day I received it as a gift from the Easter Bunny. As a philosophy primer and entertaining exploration of the power of words for young children, it was a crucial book in the development of my love of words and ideas. As Milo and his friends seek to rescue princesses Rhyme and Reason from their prison, they learn that how we say things matter and influence how we feel about things. That's why I felt as though the above quotation is an apt opening for this blog. I'm not sure what this blog is meant to be about, exactly. Probably lots of things, including, but not limited to: teaching, social justice, stepparenting, reading, and knitting. Let's see what's in between, shall we? :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)