Blog Vs. IRL

So, for obvious privacy reasons, I've been keeping identifying details on the down-low. If I'm going to write about my family (my stepdaughter, my partner, and my stepdaughter's mom / stepdad), it's important that I respect their right to privacy. I've been struggling a bit, then, with how to make the blog personal without being an identity giveaway. So, without further ado, a top-10 list of some of my favourite things, in random order:

1. Knitting--I'm a beginner knitter, but I'm already hooked. I think it's the visual and tactile stimulation of the beautiful yarns that does it, coupled with the fairly zen feeling I get whenever I zone out and start working on a piece.

2. Reading--ever since I was about 4, I'm rarely found without a book on my person. I'm currently reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett, which is an amazing read. If you have any interest in American race relations in the 1960s, I've found few fiction books so engrossing. Past favourite books include: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Book of Negroes, Through Black Spruce, and House of Hate.

3. Hiking--again, I'm by no means an advanced hiker, but I do love being in the woods with my partner for days on end, away from the hustle and bustle of daily life. There's something pretty cool about knowing all of your essentials for survival are on your back, and you're responsible for setting up your shelter and fire every night.

4. Camping--see above.

5. Blogging--this is fairly new. I've started and abandoned blogs in the past, and I think part of my problem was lack of a clear theme. Writing about stepparenting has given me a bit of a hook, and with my newfound interest in communication and PR, this has been a good experience so far.

6. Tea--black, white, green, herbal. You name it, I'm drinking it.

7. Sushi--I have a serious problem. I could eat spicy tuna roll and miso soup Every. Single. Day. No joke. My friends have embarrassing stories related to sushi binges and their horrifying aftermaths.

8. The Whedon-Verse--I've mostly failed to get into the whole vampire-genre thing. True Blood? Not that interesting / a little too gory for my liking. Stoker's Dracula? Kinda long-winded and dull. But Buffy and Angel? Sheer brilliance. I get flack from other Whedon fans for saying I prefer Angel to Buffy, but I think noir-detective does more for me than teen-angst. Add to these Firefly and Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog (among others), and Joss Whedon is the greatest artistic genius of our time. Seriously.

9. Baking/cooking--this is a fairly new hobby for me, but one I'm enjoying. My favourite homemade dish to date is a cashew cream of asparagus soup. Delicious.

10. I'm going to avoid being mushy and NOT tell you that my family means the world to me, and that  they are definitely the greatest part of my life. I'm also not going to say that my stepdaughter and partner are the coolest and funnest people I've had the privilege of knowing. Saying that, I'm afraid, would just cross the line. So I won't go there.

Summer and Clothing

It seems that spring has finally come to our little corner of the world. The sun is shining, it's warm, and my patio swing and lovely backyard are calling me...I'll be heading out there after this post. With the advent of warm weather comes all the usual fun stuff--picnics, camping, hiking, trips to the beach, and the purchasing of warm-weather clothes for my stepdaughter: shorts, tees, tanks, and bathing suits. My SD's mom does most of the shopping for the girly's clothes, and she picks out pretty adorable and sensible stuff. I do feel as though I'm sometimes judgmental, though, about what other parents will put their little girls in, and I wonder how common the feeling is.


It seems as if there's an abundance of mini-skirts, bikinis, and tankinis out there these days. I'm certainly no prude, and I want my stepdaughter to grow up having both a healthy self-confidence in her intelligence, humour, kindness, and, yes, sexuality, but also recognizing that the clothing she wears does not define her. The irony is that while I want her to be free to express herself, I also want her to wear age-appropriate clothing and recognize the equal importances of sexuality and privacy/modesty. I haven't figured out how exactly to stradd1le those two lines.

I first began considering my specific stance on this when Katy Perry's sketch on Sesame Street was pulled when parents reacted to her skimpy outfit:

My immediate reaction was, "Of course they should pull it! Who designed that costume? Sesame Street is about learning and playing and being a kid, not having your breasts pop out of the top of your dress and wearing a skirt that is thisshort!" However, some of my friends, who I love and respect, argued vehemently that censorship helps nobody, and that they want their children to grow up feeling free to express their sexuality however they see fit. This forced me to clarify my own thinking on the subject, because I agree that censorship = bad and healthy sexuality = good. Where, I wondered, did my opinion differ?

I decided that it was about age-appropriate sexuality. While it's true that I can't shield my 6 year-old stepdaughter from music videos, songs with adult-themed lyrics, or shows that are for tweens (or older), I try to temper that with discussions about how the media works ("Is it a good idea to stay out all night dancing? Why not?...Do you think it's appropriate that Katy Perry is lying naked on a cloud in her video? Why? Why is it important to keep your body private?...etc, etc."), and I also rely on certain shows to provide age-appropriate content. Sesame Street is one of those shows. Having Katy Perry dressed in a cleavage-revealing, upper-thigh-high outfit doesn't make it more entertaining, it's just yet another instance in which my little girl is exposed to the idea that dressing this way is the norm--that it's cool. A 6-year old, even with careful guidance, is not at an age where she can think critically about her responses to media. I expect her train of thought goes something like "Katy Perry = famous and cool; Katy Perry = wears revealing clothing; therefore, revealing clothing = cool."

I've already heard my stepdaughter refer to herself and others as "hot." I also see her admire her outfits and come down and ask "Hey, guys, don't I look cute today?" And while I think the second statement is fairly harmless (kids are naturally concerned with how they look, how they fit in...as are most of us, I guess), the first bugs me. 6 year-olds should never be hot. And I also feel fairly strongly that they don't need to wear short skirts and bikinis (and there are, I've discovered, bikinis and tankinis that are padded or shaped to give young girls the appearance of developed breasts). On top of all of the issues of early sexualization, over-emphasis on physical appearance, and self-esteem, my gosh, it must be hard to run around on the playground or in the beach in those outfits.

For me, it comes down to letting kids be kids. The other stuff comes soon enough, anyway.

Mother's Day and Stepmomming

Tomorrow's Mother's Day. For stepmoms, this day can be a hotbed of emotion;on the stepmom forums and blogs that I follow, stepmoms can feel disappointed and left out on this day, especially if their stepchild(ren) is either with their mom or does not acknowledge the stepmom's role. A lot of this goes back to the seemingly ageless debate of whether a stepmom is, in fact, a "mom," a "parent" or fills more of a close-but-undefined role in their stepchild's life. My take in my stepfamily world is that I am not my stepdaughter's mother, but I am a parent. I'm lucky in that we all have a supportive blended family, and I've never doubted that my opinions and involvement were welcomed. I am not my stepdaughter's mother, but I do "mother" her and fill many of the same roles. On this Mother's Day, I get to spend the day with my girl for the first time, because her mom is, sadly, unable to be with her tomorrow. I'm glad for the opportunity, but wish they could see each other too. Among the mothers that I'll be acknowledging tomorrow, I also want to honour my stepdaughter's mom, who is a good parent and a nice person. I'm so grateful that she and my partner brought my stepdaughter into this world.

I'm also grateful to have as a parent my own stepmother, who didn't come into my life until I was almost ready to leave for university. Through the years, our relationship has only gotten stronger, and in addition to welcoming her role as a parent, she has become one of my dearest friends and confidantes. Whenever I am faced with a stepmotherly decision, I will quickly consider how I believe she would handle it. I admire her strength, her intelligence, her humour, and her love and dedication for / to her family (especially my father; if ever there was a model of the relationship I want to build, theirs is it). She and my mom don't have to compete for a place in my heart. They are each there: strongly, clearly, and unwaveringly. As a stepdaughter who has the love and support of her two female parents (and let's not forget my dad and stepdad!), I see all too well how this can and does work. Thankfully, for me, this means that Mother's Day is not the challenge for me that it is for other wonderful women and stepmothers. Mutual love, respect, and acceptance works wonders, and when that happens naturally, so much the better.

Happy Mother's Day!

Ow. I'm back.

Ok, my final grades have all been submitted, and I've begun my summer-job hunt. I can't even believe I've posted nothing at all since the 9th of April. There are lots of big things happening in my world, mostly related to possible career changes, and the dropping out of one graduate program (a PhD in English) and the applying to another (a graduate diploma in Communications and Public Relations). Family life is going well, despite the serious health issue of a member of my extended stepfamily world. I've even begun working through the massive piles of laundry that have built up while I've been hiding away grading.

More to come!

A picture from a recent local hike (welcome back, hiking season!):

Upcoming Topics and a Night of Rest...

I haven't posted in a couple of days...that cold that I mentioned a week ago turned out to be bronchitis, and between that, working (oh, the grading!), and seeing visiting friends and celebrating the upcoming wedding of other dear friends, I've been in that crazy-busy place we all go to. Posting will start again tomorrow (well, I guess it's technically started again tonight, but it's not really about anything). Some topics that have grabbed my attention lately that I plan to explore focus around sexuality and kids--what we teach them and when. The notion of the SlutWalk has grabbed my attention lately, and I plan to attend one of them.. Although it's a separate topic, it has also got me to clarifying some of my thoughts about age-appropriate sexual education, and the exposure that kids have these days to social media, tween shows, etc. etc. To be clear, I don't ever hop on a blaming-media bandwagon for societal ills. Parents who make arguments like kids-who-play-video-games-are-violent bother me like nobody's business. Those kind of broad generalizations aren't helpful, don't consider the importance of other factors like good parenting, sensible kids, personal responsibility, etc. etc. They also ignore the reality that societal expectations are what they are. They can certainly be changed, but not without difficulty and mass effort. But since entering my stepdaughter's life, I've thought a lot more frequently about the cultural ideas and expectations that we outline for children. So over the next little while, I'll explore some of these notions, and ask for your input, too! Stay tuned...

"Slut Walk"

I want many things for my stepdaughter. I want her to grow up happy, healthy, and possessed of a generous social conscience. I want her to love and be loved. I want her to be a critical thinker about the world she lives in.

There are also many things I don't want for my stepdaughter. I don't want her to grow up with prejudice and discrimination towards other people's ethnicities, sexual tendencies, or otherwise. I don't want her to experience violence or the threat of violence at anyone's hands. If (please, please, no) she does experience something like that, I don't want her to believe that she is at fault.

I don't want her to ever be called a "slut."

In January of this year, Toronto Police Constable Michael Sanguinetti told a group of York University security students that "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized." 

A media frenzy ensued, and SlutWalk Toronto (with offshoot walks scheduled in other cities) was born. The purpose of SlutWalk is to protest the labelling of women based on a perceived promiscuity, to reappropriate a term that has almost always been used perjoratively, and to take aim at the very ridiculous notion that it's ever ok to blame the victim, or to suggest that what someone is wearing is "an invitation" or "a contributing factor" to a rape.

Some will argue that a woman's choice to wear provocative clothing, to act in a flirtatious manner, to wear said clothing and act in said manner while walking down a street at night suggests that the woman took a risk that she should have been aware of. That, when selecting her clothing, she should consider the risk that her choices involve: ie. that choosing to wear, say, a low-cut top or a short skirt heighten your risk of being the victim of sexual violence. That this is a bad choice, akin to walking down a dark alley at midnight in an area known for gang-related violence.

I call bullshit.

I call bullshit because rape is not about sex. It's about power. It's not about a man desiring a woman (I recognize that women are not the only rape victims and that men are not only ever victimizers) because he finds her physically attractive and deciding to have her, whether she wants him or not, because he cannot control his physical desire for her. It's about someone wanting to have power over someone. It's about preying on someone the vicitimizer perceives as vulnerable. More often than not, it's someone the victim knows, out of the view of the public, and by someone they know and trust. Sex is not the "purpose" of rape; it's the means by which the victimizer feels in-control.

So, I'm just one person talking. Someone who, thankfully, has never experienced sexual violence. Here are some statistics to back this up here. I get a bit "quoty" (new word!) at this point, but this is solid, reliable information that I found in the most basic of Google searches. A search on John Hamlin, the Sociology Professor who authored the University of Minnesota information that I cite, turns up his CV, which shows him to be a published and accomplished expert in criminology and the sociology of rape. People sometimes tune out when stats start flowing. Please don't. Analyzing the things that a woman did "wrong" that "resulted" in her rape constitutes victim-blaming. Non-consensual sex is non-consensual sex. Full stop. End of story. I don't believe that her clothing choices are fair game for the media.

According to the University of Minnesota, 71% of rapes are planned in advance, and 60% of rapists already have sexual partners. They go on to note that, "The vast majority of rapists are motivated by power, anger, and control, not sexual gratification." It will often occur in someone's home or dormitory, and often by someone they know.

The Sexual Assault and Anti Violence Information Office at the University of Utah backs up these claims, noting that 43% of sexual crimes occur in the victim's home. More importantly, many rapists, they note, cannot even recall what their victims were wearing.

They write, "A Federal Commission on Crime of Violence Study found that only 4.4% of all reported
rapes involved provocative behavior on the part of the victim. In murder cases 22%
involved such behavior (as simple as a glance)." If a "glance" is considered by a would-be rapist or murderer to be "provocative," we're all in trouble. Eyes at floor, folks, eyes at the floor, or you're "asking for it."

Citing a rape study by the FBI, Hamlin further argues, "Research data clearly proves that a way a woman dresses and / or acts does not influence the rapists choice of victims. His decision to rape is based on how easily he perceives his target can be intimidated. Rapists are looking for available and vulnerable targets." 

These are not random individuals providing anecdotal evidence. The University of Minnesota, in particular, identifies where much of its information comes from: The FBI, The National Crime Survey, The National Victim Center, Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center, and The Orange County Rape Crisis Center.

This line of discussion gets me angry and emotional. The statistics are there. They are backed up by evidence that has been repeated, over and over. Why, then, do we persist in saying that women need to dress more sensibly and act less "like a slut" to avoid being put in this position? I think it comes down to wanting to have a feeling that this is something we can control or prevent. I understand that impulse. It would be so much easier if we could say "Do A, B, and C and don't do D, E, and F," and you won't get raped. That's not how it works. What we cannot, must not, do is start blaming the victims. Scrutinizing the clothing choices or behaviour of victims in the media and at court further traumatizes the victim, creates a false impression of what rape is and how it occurs, and shifts some of the responsibility from the victimizer onto the victim. There's a word for that: "victim-blaming."


I call bullshit.





Sources:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/04/03/slut-walk-toronto.html
http://www.d.umn.edu/cla/faculty/jhamlin/3925/myths.html
http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/
http://www.usu.edu/saavi/pdf/myths_facts.pdf

There's Nothing a Seagrass Basket Can't Fix...

I really am starting to be convinced that tea and knitting (and the purchasing of an on-sale woven basket to place said knitting in) are the secrets to eternal happiness...

...she says, sighing, as she returns to the stacks o' grading.